I found myself when I lost myself

Summer has been an absolute whirlwind for me and hence I’ve been a little absent. But this absence caused me to reflect on the journey I have taken to reach this point in my life. And it was quite a journey!

In 2012 (it’s hard to believe that it’s been 11 years) I had a rather spectacular breakdown (the first of many). I booked myself a cottage in the Peak District and disappeared for a week; I needed to get away from reality and allow myself to just ‘be’, to be at one with myself and with nature. Why the Peak District? I have no idea, it just felt ‘right’. As did the cottage, it had gorgeous stone walls that could probably tell a million stories and window recesses deep enough to sit on and read a book while gazing at the stars.

The ten years or so leading up to this breakdown had been hard on me emotionally and spiritually. I have an autistic child (now an adult) and I had no spare time for self care. I had amassed a lot of trauma that eventually took its toll; being permanently surrounded by so much negative energy was suffocating and it literally suffocated my spirit. In 2010 my inner self started to fight back and I made some major life changes, including separating from my husband, which in some ways made my life harder, but also removed a huge amount of negativity and stress.

I had always lent heavily on my spirituality and craft but I had lost the connection; I no longer used my tarot cards, had no time for grounding, and my crystals had become nothing more than decorations. I was a spiritual black hole when I had the breakdown in 2012, and spending that week in the Peak District. I sat on the moors talking to sheep, ate chips by the river in Bakewell, and just generally immersed myself in nature. This allowed just enough light to reach my soul that it set off a chain reaction. I returned to the Peaks several times that year and this started my healing journey.

I like to think that my spirit team were responsible for my decision to run off to the Peak District, but nevertheless, it is cast iron proof that we should act on impulses whenever possible. That was the starting point of me becoming the person I am today, the person I was always meant to be – a chaotic witch with a love of nature and loud music!

There have been many ups and downs along the way; times when I have questioned the direction I had chosen, but I have always stayed true to my belief that I have found the ‘real me’. My belief that all things happen for a reason and I’m being guided by an invisible force has been repeatedly tested; the death of my beloved grandparents, starting my own business, moving to the other side of the country, the death of my Dad … these have all made me question myself and my faith in the universe at times.

As we move towards Samhain, I will be taking time to thank the spirits who have been helping me love myself again, guiding me through difficult decisions, and showing me the paths I can take to move forward with my life.